hard

by willeya

my husband and i measure my stress by the frequency/intensity of my hair twirling.  it is a weird nervous habit i picked up in high school and have never completely shaken.  it got really bad in graduate school and my hair is the thinner for it.  these last few days my hair twirling is back up to the intensity of those long paper writing days.  this time baldness is an even bigger threat, as i could have already have donated a full wig from the hair i have lost post pregnancy.  twirl, twirl….

four months since we have moved from our home in winnetka.  four “homes” in four months.  in this last one i fear that we have met the end of our human resiliency.  i cannot really put into words what this hotel room is challenging in me.  it is starving my perfectionism, my dependence on routine, comfort, and control to be productive, my obsessive pursuit of completion, peace, and rest.  i feel like a woman whose oxygen tube is being stepped on.  twirl, twirl…

the last few days i have had this “frozen” sensation; like a person who is in a swimsuit and sandals in the dead of winter – to move would afford too much body heat.  so the freezing frozen person just stands there, immobile, unable to reach out to do the very thing that would help – putting on more clothes!  this is not the best time for me to be frozen.  my to do list is long and my family is dependent on it (at the top is finding a job).  as i look for a job i think, “only put together women find jobs”.  and then i think, “put together women have nice, ironed clothes”.  which leads me to think, “my put-together-nice-ironed clothes are in the bowels of storage”.  i picture atticus screaming (for some reason, he always screams when we are at our storage cell) while i am standing on the top of a ten foot pile of boxes.  and then i experience that funny frozen thing again.

space (sunny, clean, non-cluttered, with an “eclectic french country” style), thoroughness (tasks done – house clean – Jesus met with – soul settled – coffee made – life conquered – BEFORE i sit down to start my resume), and deeply set routine have become increasingly essential to me.  maybe too essential.  definitely too essential.  lately i have wondered at their importance in my life.  and then before i know it i am deep in analysis and twirling.  twirl, twirl…

please PRAY for me – for US – friends.  we may declare that we are “done” but jesus is saying we are not. he put this month, this final transition, into our lives for a reason.    maybe it is to strip me of my pickiness (ben says it’s a good thing i am adopted because i would have never made it in my birth mother’s world – ha!) and perfectionism.  to teach me faithfulness above control.  as i look into october in this room, i am hard pressed to find a burning bush – God in my moments.  i have a sense in my spirit that if i am waiting for warm, feel-good, inspirational God sightings, i might come up empty.  but if i am willing to behold Him in strength-in-weakness, faithful-over-feeling moments, He is there.

thanks for praying.

Love,

A

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