i got nothing

by willeya

dear friends,

i am hopping on here to be good to my word for a once a week post.  staying committed to the purpose that we have a current knowledge of each other, i will be honest…i got nothing.  i am exhausted.

this week my internal processing, emotional energy, creative thinking, etc…has been spent on life outside this blog and i cannot spare what little is left.

as many of you know, ben and my dear friends, the Cushmans, lost their two day old daughter, Gwendolyn Hope, this week.  her death has saddened me to my core.  i am hit with grief in waves.  i ride out the intensity until i am spent and rendered calm….and then it comes again.  kinda like the flu.  in my first post i said that i would talk about suffering.  now that it has come it seems too large a task.  suffice it to say, i don’t get suffering.  why erin?  why not me, or mandi, or the 7 other friends of hers that gave birth this year?  this is a question too big and too painful for me tonight.  tomorrow is the memorial service.  please pray for them.

also… i have gone and gotten my hopes on a  particular counseling site.  i am amazed at the excellence of their work.  the only stinky thing about hope is that it can cause heart sickness (you know…that proverb).  this job matters to me and i keenly feel the danger – the risk – of caring.  the interview process is intensive and i am early in it.  the site has asked for my statement of faith, philosophy of counseling, and other weighty stuff.  technically, this should be a piece of cake.  after 8 years of articulating the answers to these very questions, i should relax into this familiar space and just let my fingers flow.  not so, my friends.  not so.  i told ben that i feel like an olympic gymnast at the moment of her routine…the real one.  out of the thousand practice runs, this one counts.  truly, i am daunted by the task of putting 8 years of thought and process into 2 pages or less.

how bout you?  what matters to you that the hope of it creates a great big risk? message me…i love knowing you in the now.

so i guess this is my version of nothing.  with me, i guess there’s always something :)

love you friends,

A

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