the following two posts were written as one. however, upon reading, i overwhelmed myself. in effort to save you from a similar experience, i have divided them into two posts. i suggest you read them in two settings but the brave of heart are welcome to swallow them whole….
my thoughts are full on tonight. here they are in no particular order:
1. the highlight of my day was by far my non-dairy “frappe” shake. it tastes JUST like a Starbucks frappucino. i have gone so long without any type of creamy substance that my senses (all five of them) were fully engaged in the yummy goodness. here’s the recipe, if you would like to entertain your senses too:
- 1 teaspoon instant coffee granules
- 3/4 cup milk (replace with rice milk, if dairy free)
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 2 teaspoons white sugar, or to taste
- 6 ice cubes
2. tomorrow is monday. monday is a loaded word for me. it signifies ben being gone, the return of self imposed structure and responsibility, days alone with atticus, days where my most mature conversation happens via text message and facebook. i find myself holding onto sunday nights like a young wife clings to her deported husband moments before he leaves for sea. the main thing i dread about mondays is their isolation…the ALONE feeling is a constant companion. i have never liked to be by myself. as a little girl i remember my family being all together in the living room, watching tv or reading books, nothing big – just together. but in that moment of nearness my heart would be so at peace that i wouldn’t let anything – like needing to pee – break the moment of bliss. i would hold it until an accident was a real possibility. when ben and i first got married, i would follow him around the house in effort to never be apart. we got drinks of water together, got sweatshirts from the bedroom together, went to bed at the same time, and, much to his dismay i even followed him to the bathroom (tmi…sorry). when i look towards heaven, i get the most excited that we will ALL be in one house together. I’ll tell Him, “that’s ok Father, i don’t need my own room. what i’d really like is a roommate”. i think that this is probably more than a quirk in my life. more than likely, it’s a response to experiencing multiple separations from loved ones early in my life. whatever the source, IT IS. this deep dread of being alone – of mondays. yet mondays are inevitable and weekly and so i must come to terms with them. i must look them in the face and find a way through – not out – of them. recently, i found this quote from Henri Nouwen. i have a soul deep hunch that it holds answers to my way through…
“I have to face in my solitude a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe I am worth something. The task is to persevere in my solitude, to stay in my cell until all my seductive visitors get tired of pounding on my door and leave me alone. The wisdom of the desert is that the confrontation with our own frightening nothingness forces us to surrender ourself totally and unconditionally to the Lord Jesus Christ”.
I want to embrace my human solitude in order to spend the day with He who lives inside me. BRING IT ON, Monday.
To Be Continued….