if i just had…

by willeya

today i figured out what i needed: meal plans delivered to my email, every monday – in budget with a grocery list.  a bi-monthly cleaning lady (or man).  a tv in my kitchen to be able to watch the news while cooking.  a babysitter, arriving promptly at 2:00.  canning jars – lots of them.  more pyrex containers too.  my “office” corner organized.  a zumba video to work out for the first time in…a long time.  moccasins, work clothes, and bangs. 

the phrase “if i just had ___________” went through my head about fifty times today.  that if i just gained this or lost that, i would be able to do it all. to be in control and run my life according to my flawless standard. working and re-working it to make it all fit. 

i begin my new job very soon.  when i think of work, this is what i see:  i am running around the house with a towel on my head, searching for clothes that will both match and straighten when shaken.  atticus is crying – it is lunch time. i wildly toss green beans into a pyrex only to realize i cannot find the lid.  dirty spoons are left everywhere.  on my way out the door i stuff the diaper bag and forget the wipes.  finally, i am sitting with my client, hoping they don’t see that i am out of breath.  i know they need all of me but i definitely left some of me in the car.

how will i do it all?  i am not enough.  my standards are too high but everything is hard to let go.  o Jesus, help me. i need help.