if i just had…
today i figured out what i needed: meal plans delivered to my email, every monday – in budget with a grocery list. a bi-monthly cleaning lady (or man). a tv in my kitchen to be able to watch the news while cooking. a babysitter, arriving promptly at 2:00. canning jars – lots of them. more pyrex containers too. my “office” corner organized. a zumba video to work out for the first time in…a long time. moccasins, work clothes, and bangs.
the phrase “if i just had ___________” went through my head about fifty times today. that if i just gained this or lost that, i would be able to do it all. to be in control and run my life according to my flawless standard. working and re-working it to make it all fit.
i begin my new job very soon. when i think of work, this is what i see: i am running around the house with a towel on my head, searching for clothes that will both match and straighten when shaken. atticus is crying – it is lunch time. i wildly toss green beans into a pyrex only to realize i cannot find the lid. dirty spoons are left everywhere. on my way out the door i stuff the diaper bag and forget the wipes. finally, i am sitting with my client, hoping they don’t see that i am out of breath. i know they need all of me but i definitely left some of me in the car.
how will i do it all? i am not enough. my standards are too high but everything is hard to let go. o Jesus, help me. i need help.