all things atticus

by willeya

in one month and four days our little Atticus Cai will turn one.  this year, i haven’t been the best with pictures or dates for the baby book.  i think, “how can i forget his birth day, the song we sing to him e.v.e.r.y. night, the profound moments – like today in church – when i realize how much loving him has changed me?”  but i’m told i will.

i have always felt sad that my “baby book” starts at two (maybe we should call it a toddler book).  i feel keenly the loss of my infancy and the basic sense of belovedness that comes with it.  instead, i have all sorts of questions and longings for my first year.  was i cute? was i fat? was i cuddled?  did i have hair? what made me laugh?  did i feel safe and secure?  with whom?  when they left, did i cry?  when i cried, who came?  what soothed me?  who delighted in me?  what did they find delightful? bottom line – was i loved, cherished even? (cherish: to hold or treat as dear.  to care for tenderly – to nurture)

before you cry (mom)…

this is my joy – that what i lack i have to give. from this year, i have a pile of memories, details, thoughts, and feelings all about Atticus Cai and being his mother.  i want to give them before i lose them.  and so…. in the days leading up to May 15, i am going to use this space to write all that is in me for my son – to make him his very own baby book.

i love – even cherish – you Atticus Cai.  and don’t you forget it.