in the arena

by willeya

i have a secret. sshh, it’s a secret.

in my daydreams, i’m not a mom.  well, i am a mom but i am not doing mom stuff.  i’m a guest speaker at an adoption conference, a group therapist, a zumba instructor, a nutrition coach, an activist for orphans, the winner of so you think you can dance, and a blogger extraordinaire with thousands of readers inspired by my take on the world.

today’s been the writing dream.  i barely forget to turn off the water getting ready for A’s sink bath.  i’m writing a post in my head and he poops on our bed.  not in his pants – on our bed. water’s running….

but he’s in bed now and my secret’s not finished.

in my dreams i am honest about how stinkin’ passionate i really am.  i shun the shame that whispers guilt that not all my daydreams take place in my home, with my family.  i embrace that my name is not [primarily] wife or mother, but daughter.  and that the Father has put wide things in my heart.  in my dreams i trust my dreams.

and the secrets keep coming…

the state approved my application to be a licensed counselor. the letter came today.  the paper in my hands feels like the sink water on my feet, bringing me back to what is real.

the bath is real. the letter is real.  this dream became real.  i remember when it lived in my head like all the rest.

suddenly i am scared. i ask ben if he’ll take as good care of A as i do.  the body tingles from a heart pumping faster. o God give me courage…this is what i wanted, right?

“The credit belongs to the {wo}man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends him{her}self in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his{er} place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”                                           Teddy Roosevelt