sometime around 9 am this morning i realized i will never have enough. this thought came after i atticus woke me up by sitting on my head, and before breakfast. right about the time that i wondered why after such a lovely weekend with so many family and friends, i still feel empty.
it will never be enough, i thought. enough husband. enough son. enough joy. enough friendship. enough weekend. enough peace. enough love. enough me. even enough God. even He only lasts me through this minute. the next one stands empty, waiting to be filled.
with this, i start my day.
i warm up chicken broth to fight the looming cold.
i hang up the clothes that i cleaned last monday.
i watch two episodes of gilmore girls while cutting up vegetables for dinner.
i use daddy’s tricks with the baby when mine turn out lame.
we take a walk for more sugar [resisting strong urge to disclaim sugar was fermenting, not eating.]
all of this in my pajamas and hair shaped by my pillow.
i take a bath and ben calls me on his way home with a head full of thoughts.
a more typical monday i dare you to find.
the end is here. we are on the bed in the dark because he hates overhead light and i hate changing light bulbs. two computer screens highlight our faces. his breathing through his nose tells me he’s relaxed and that allergy season is over. the light falls on his tattoo and i read it from memory:
i think about this day. best day in awhile, actually. i think it has something to do with this morning’s hand off of “enough” for “good enough”. moments float when expectations don’t weigh them down and there is so much good in my good enough life.
one day it will and i will reach enough once and for all. for now, love wins a moment at a time. good enough by good enough.