the calm before the next

by willeya

right now it’s 6 pm but this throb behind my eyes is telling me it’s 7 am. and that i’ve just pulled an all nighter.

right now i am 21 hours away from starting my job.

right now i am 24 hours away from seeing my boy after a lifetime 12 days.  i feel…nervous??

right now i am in between three worlds.  china, mommy, counselor.  i am in the center where they all meet and it’s silent but just for this moment.

right now i have this darling baby girl so fresh in my mind. no one knows her name so i call her little bird.  if i close my eyes her eyes are still inches from mine.

but right now i am so tired and even though it’s calm here in the eye of the storm i can already feel my heart transitioning back to this place, onto the next.  it has to.

so what am i writing to say? i’m not sure. maybe this is my footprint in the sand – in case this moment is all i get – to say i have been to china and have seen beautiful things.  to remember that there are five under-loved babies laying a half a world away that if you told me today that i was their mama i would say “i know”.  to cement in this heartache that tells me i can’t forget the precious vulnerability i held in my arms.

even if i forget tomorrow, on my way to the next.

ps. i sincerely do hope i have more time than this to write about our time in china. it’s just that life is about to get a leee-tel crazy.