the calm before the next
right now it’s 6 pm but this throb behind my eyes is telling me it’s 7 am. and that i’ve just pulled an all nighter.
right now i am 21 hours away from starting my job.
right now i am 24 hours away from seeing my boy after
a lifetime 12 days. i feel…nervous??
right now i am in between three worlds. china, mommy, counselor. i am in the center where they all meet and it’s silent but just for this moment.
right now i have this darling baby girl so fresh in my mind. no one knows her name so i call her little bird. if i close my eyes her eyes are still inches from mine.
but right now i am so tired and even though it’s calm here in the eye of the storm i can already feel my heart transitioning back to this place, onto the next. it has to.
so what am i writing to say? i’m not sure. maybe this is my footprint in the sand – in case this moment is all i get – to say i have been to china and have seen beautiful things. to remember that there are five under-loved babies laying a half a world away that if you told me today that i was their mama i would say “i know”. to cement in this heartache that tells me i can’t forget the precious vulnerability i held in my arms.
even if i forget tomorrow, on my way to the next.
ps. i sincerely do hope i have more time than this to write about our time in china. it’s just that life is about to get a leee-tel crazy.