growing up

by willeya

Aunt Tracey mentioned today that he’s officially boy over baby.  i agreed.  besides the wrists that still roll into his hands, he has the makings of a boy.  he needs me less, for one thing.  the two of us used to never take up more than three feet of space.  he was just layered over me, wherever i was.  now at any given moment we can be found three feet apart.  me cooking or being on the computer and him transferring beans from one bowl to another.

anyone with five senses can plainly see the changes: he’s running and talking and understands everything.  yes those, but i feel different ones – inside ones – with my mother sense.  this boy child of mine is taking slow but steady steps away from me.  today mr. man barely looked me in the eye as i told him goodbye – his cousins already swept him away.  {i smooched him anyway}.

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray.  i read this quote the other day and i just can’t shake it.  it means a lot to me on so many levels.  the obvious one is that i am his mother and i tremble in holy fear that this quote is true, at least partially.  that in some way my first love {or lack of} will give him the courage {or lack of} to stand on his own two feet in front of Real Love.  leaning into me helps him trust This more.

in some ways i feel just like him. anyone can see i am a woman full grown but my mother sense feels where i am the child, not fully transferred to Real Love.  i can list all the reasons i am still stuck on this first human love but more important are the shifts i am making to independence.  little deep ones, just like him.  i am learning to relate with no strings attached.  tonight i asked for prayer and not to be fixed and the mother in me was so proud of the child in me for standing three feet away – not intertwined.

we are growing up, he and i.

ps.  after {almost} every post i ask myself what was that anyways.  what am i doing here?  well i started to update the “about” section of this blog and poof it came.  if you too were wondering what exactly i am up to here, please read “hello” up at the top.  then we’ll all be clear.