On Wanting

by willeya

Today while sitting on our white couch marked with pen and strawberries, Ben told me that he’s letting go of our dream for a house by next October.  My disappointment turned to relief in a time that surprised me.  We’ve been pushing so hard for a kitchen overlooking a yard, counting the clients, saying no to everything but food and toilet paper.  we take walks with our heads turned to the side.

Atticus started calling me “honey” today.  i wondered out loud how he learned this word and Ben told me that’s what i call him.  i didn’t know this but it sounds so sweet coming back.

i receive two poems in my email every day.  whenever they come, i stop what i am doing and let them paint pictures in my head.  yesterday’s was so good my morning glass of water tasted like coffee.

my favorite song, i think maybe ever,  came onto the pandora radio at someone else’s house last night.  it’s an obscure song that not many people know and it felt like having my right numbers called out on Bingo night.  i closed my lips, smiled politely, and belted the words inside of my mouth.

James Taylor.
Richard Scarry.
Sesame Street.

Maybe these are why i don’t feel afraid of this roof-house with no goals or dates to leave. Maybe now we’ll have more room for books and songs and art and beauty, and other filling things that are free.  we will take walks turned to each other.

After our conversation the three of us drove to McDonalds for two large iced teas.  We stopped at Goodwill for four children’s books and at Village Thrift for shoes for Atticus.  Oscar the Grouch’s eyebrows now tickle his ankles when he walks and he thinks he’s the king of the world.

“Two things I ask of you, Lord; do not refuse me before I die: give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord? Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.”
Proverbs 30:8-9