what’s saving me now

by willeya

if you’ve wondered where i’ve been, it’s in the land of pixie dust and fairy tales.  i have one week of hulu plus for free, until they start charging me, and about fifteen episodes of Once Upon a Time to watch.  tonight i was planning on two episodes but this storm is getting in the way.  the screen freezes every time there is thunder.

not feeling like much i absently scan my favorite blogs.  Sarah from Emerging Mummy asks “what’s saving me right now?”  that’s a funny question, as that happened many moons ago, but i know what she means.  what is grace to me, making my soul at peace to give and receive?

last tuesday i was particularly tired so Ben took Atticus to run errands.  while i still needed to mail a letter and make lunch, i squeezed out an hour for me.  in this hour, i walk to “main street” in my town and buy an iced coffee from the skinny European woman who sells crepes and has Paris on her walls.  it may because she’s European or because i only buy coffee – never crepes – but this little Audrey Hepburn is not very nice.  on this particular day she pours three ice cubes into hot coffee when i ask for it “iced”.  most days i shrug and imagine that she’s French, but today i need to bite my lip to keep from saying “i’m sorry”.  for what, i don’t know.

i took my coffee to the town library, just a stone’s throw away, crept pass the librarian, up to the balcony.  once safely out of sight, i sit down with my coffee and Billy Collins’ book of poems.  i watch the people below from the top of my book.  the teenager with long hair and buttons all over his hat sits in front of the computer and doesn’t change his face once.  his slightly bouncing, very high knee (probably growing this minute) is the only sign of life.  the little girl who comes through the door with her mother spots me right off the bat.  she raises her hand to say “look!” when her mother takes it and leads her abruptly the other direction.  the librarian whose eyebrows make a permanent \/ asks why patrons ever have fines when, with these new-fangled computers, you can renew right at home, from your couch.

i sat for an hour, being invisible.  and by that, i mean not feeling responsible for the life around me.  when it is time to go i really want to take the poem book with me but i can’t bear facing that woman with my fines so i leave it in the wrong place for when i return.

last week there were three grey days in a row. they were a gift from God to me, allowing for us to stay inside and hide be  quiet.  we swept floors, read books, made food, took naps, and i signed up for hulu plus under the promise i would cancel once my free week ended.

this week i don’t have any excuse for what’s keeping me private except to say that it’s what’s saving me right now.  this slow, tender, intimate life away from the crowds and eyes that could hold a thought about me, feels safe.  the rythym of just the three of us in the mornings, eating dinner, under the rain,  feels like walking with God.  and me alone, folding laundry and watching TV, a respite.

i will stay in this place until the Grace to love and have peace, moves me on from here.

if you look closely, you can see the boy with long hair and the button hat

what’s been saving you lately, my friend?